Disclaimer: Robert Martin Lees is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional. The content on ChangingTheCycle.com is based on personal experience and is intended for informational and educational purposes only. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please seek support from a qualified professional. Find professional support options here.
TL;DR — Quick Answer
The 7 signs your marriage is in trouble are: the silence has changed, you’re having the same fight on repeat, one of you has emotionally checked out, contempt has crept in, you’re living parallel lives, the small repairs have stopped, and you’re avoiding the conversation entirely. Each sign is your marriage asking for help — not announcing its end. The first step is recognising which sign you’re living in right now.
I want to start with something I’ve never been comfortable saying out loud.
There was a night — years into my marriage — when I found a letter she’d written to someone else. I was home with the kids. Just doing the dad thing. And there it was.
My hands were shaking. My mind was racing. But I said nothing. I buried it. I thought if I could just make things right, maybe it would go away.
It didn’t. That night turned into the worst fight we’d ever had — not because of the letter, but because of everything we’d both been carrying and never said. That’s the thing about unspoken truth: it always finds a way out, and it’s never pretty when it does.
Silence isn’t peace. It’s just a delayed explosion.
I’m telling you that story because if you’re reading this article, something in your marriage has gone quiet in a way that doesn’t feel right. You’re not imagining it. And you’re not overreacting. You’re picking up on signals that your marriage has been sending for a while — and the fact that you’re paying attention right now matters more than you know.
These 7 signs aren’t a death sentence. They’re a diagnosis. And a diagnosis is where healing begins.
If the weight of this feels like more than you can carry alone, find professional support options here. But if you’re ready to understand what’s actually happening — and what you can do about it — keep reading.
Sign 1: The Silence Has Changed
There are two kinds of silence in a marriage — and they feel completely different. The first is comfortable: two people who know each other so well they don’t need to fill every moment with words. The second is heavy. Loaded. A silence that says everything neither of you is willing to say out loud.
If the silence in your home has shifted from the first kind to the second, that’s a sign worth paying attention to.
In my own marriage, I watched us go from a couple who could talk for hours to two people who could sit through an entire dinner without making eye contact. It didn’t happen overnight. It crept in — one avoided conversation at a time, one deflected question at a time, until the silence became the default.
The silence itself isn’t the problem. It’s what the silence is protecting. Usually it’s one of three things: unspoken resentment, unresolved conflict, or emotional withdrawal that’s already begun.
What to do: Don’t try to fill the silence with noise. Instead, name it. “I’ve noticed we’ve been quiet lately. I miss talking to you.” That one sentence — said without accusation — opens more doors than a hundred arguments. If you’re not sure how to start that conversation, this guide on communicating without pushing them further away is a good place to start.
Sign 2: You’re Having the Same Fight on Repeat
If you’ve had the same argument more than three times, you’re not fighting about what you think you’re fighting about. The dishes, the money, the in-laws, the schedule — these are never really the issue. They’re the surface. Underneath is something older, something deeper, something neither of you has been able to name yet.
I call this the roller-coaster. You go up, you come down, you fight, you make up, you promise it’ll be different — and then the same rock appears on the track again. The fight isn’t the problem. The cycle is.
Repeating arguments are one of the clearest signs that a marriage is in trouble — not because the couple doesn’t love each other, but because they’re both trying to win a conversation that can’t be won. It can only be understood.
The research backs this up. Dr. John Gottman’s work at the University of Washington found that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual — meaning they never fully resolve. The couples who thrive aren’t the ones who solve every problem. They’re the ones who learn to manage the unsolvable ones with respect and curiosity instead of contempt.
What to do: The next time the fight starts, stop and ask: “What are we actually trying to say to each other right now?” Then listen. Not to respond — to understand. For a deeper look at the patterns underneath the arguments, this article on relationship cycles will help you identify which pattern you’re running.
Here’s the reframe I want to offer you — and it’s one that changed everything for me.
Sign 3: One of You Has Emotionally Checked Out
Emotional withdrawal is the quietest — and most dangerous — sign that a marriage is in trouble. It doesn’t look like a fight. It doesn’t announce itself. It looks like someone who’s physically present but emotionally somewhere else entirely.
They stop sharing their day. They stop asking about yours. They stop reacting — to the good things and the bad things. There’s a flatness where there used to be feeling. And that flatness is more alarming than any argument, because at least an argument means someone still cares enough to fight.
Gottman calls this “stonewalling” — and it’s one of his Four Horsemen of relationship breakdown, alongside criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. When someone stonewalls, they’ve usually reached a point of emotional flooding — they’re so overwhelmed that shutting down feels like the only option left.
The person who’s checked out isn’t necessarily done with the marriage. They may be done with the pain of trying and failing. That’s a very different thing — and it’s something that can be worked with.
What to do: If it’s your partner who’s withdrawn, don’t chase. Chasing accelerates the withdrawal. Instead, create safety. Lower the temperature. Give them a reason to come back to the surface. If it’s you who’s checked out, that’s worth sitting with honestly. Ask yourself honestly: can this marriage be saved? The answer might surprise you.
Sign 4: Contempt Has Crept In
Of all the signs on this list, contempt is the one that should concern you most. Not anger — anger is just hurt wearing a loud coat. Contempt is different. Contempt is the belief, deep down, that your partner is beneath you. That they’re stupid, weak, pathetic, or not worth your respect.
It shows up as eye-rolling. Sarcasm that cuts. Mockery — even in front of others. A tone of voice that says “I can’t believe I’m even having this conversation with you.”
Gottman’s research identified contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce — more reliable than any other factor. When contempt enters a marriage, it doesn’t just damage the relationship. It damages the person on the receiving end. Studies have shown that partners who experience regular contempt have higher rates of illness, anxiety, and depression.
Here’s the hard truth: contempt doesn’t usually start with the other person. It starts with a story we’ve been telling ourselves about them — a story built from accumulated resentment that was never addressed. Which means it can be unwritten.
What to do: If you’re feeling contempt, the work starts with you — not them. What resentments have you been carrying that you’ve never expressed? What did you need from this marriage that you stopped asking for? Rebuilding trust after contempt is possible — but it requires radical honesty from both sides.
Sign 5: You’re Living Parallel Lives
Two people can share a home, a bed, and a last name — and still be completely alone. Parallel lives in a marriage look like separate schedules, separate friend groups, separate interests, and a growing sense that you’re more like housemates than partners.
This one is sneaky because it often develops gradually and feels comfortable on the surface. No fighting. No drama. Just… distance. And distance, left unaddressed, becomes the default — until one day one of you wakes up and realizes you don’t actually know this person anymore.
I’ve seen this pattern in my own marriage and in the stories of hundreds of people who’ve reached out to me over the years. The couples who end up here didn’t stop loving each other. They stopped investing in each other. They let the relationship run on autopilot — and autopilot, in a marriage, always drifts toward disconnection.
What to do: You don’t need a grand gesture. You need a small, consistent one. One shared meal with no phones. One question you’ve never asked before. One thing you used to do together that you stopped. Quality time in a relationship isn’t about quantity — it’s about presence. Start there.
Sign 6: The Small Repairs Have Stopped
Healthy marriages aren’t conflict-free — they’re repair-rich. The small repairs are the moments after a sharp word where someone says “I’m sorry, that came out wrong.” The text in the middle of the day that says “thinking of you.” The hand on the shoulder after a hard conversation. The small, quiet acts of reconnection that say: we’re still okay.
When those repairs stop, it’s not always because the love is gone. It’s often because one or both partners have stopped believing the repair will be received. They’ve been rejected or dismissed enough times that reaching out no longer feels safe. So they stop reaching.
And when the repairs stop, the distance compounds. Every unrepaired rupture adds another layer of resentment, another reason to stay guarded, another brick in the wall between you.
What to do: Be the one who reaches first. Not with a big conversation — with a small gesture. A cup of tea. A genuine “how are you, really?” The repair doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be real. If you’re not sure where to start, this guide on overcoming challenges in a marriage walks through the practical steps.
Sign 7: You’re Reading This Article
This one might be the most honest sign of all. You didn’t land on this page by accident. Something brought you here — a feeling you’ve been trying to name, a fear you’ve been trying to outrun, a quiet voice that’s been getting louder.
That voice isn’t your enemy. It’s your marriage asking you to pay attention.
I’ve spoken to thousands of people over the years who waited too long to act on that voice. Not because they didn’t love their partner — but because they were afraid of what paying attention might mean. Afraid that if they looked too closely, they’d find something they couldn’t fix.
Here’s what I’ve learned: the marriages that survive aren’t the ones where nothing went wrong. They’re the ones where someone — usually just one person — decided to stop looking away. You’re already doing that. Right now. That matters.
What to do: Keep reading. And when you’re done, don’t close the tab and go back to pretending. Take one action — however small. The relationship you want is still possible — but it starts with this moment of honesty.
What These Signs Are Actually Telling You
These signs aren’t proof that your marriage is over. They’re proof that your marriage is asking for something it hasn’t been getting. Every sign on this list — the silence, the repeated fights, the withdrawal, the contempt, the distance — is a symptom. And symptoms point to a root cause.
In my experience, that root cause is almost always one of two things: an unmet need that was never clearly expressed, or a cycle that was inherited long before this marriage began.
I grew up watching my mum, my sisters, my brothers, my cousins all run the same pattern — make up, break up, bury the wounds, repeat. By the time I was an adult, I thought that’s just what love looked like. The woman I fell in love with had grown up in her own version of the same story. Two people who’d never seen love done right, trying to love each other right. We didn’t stand a chance — until we finally understood why.
You can’t break a cycle you don’t know you’re in. But once you see it — really see it — everything changes. Understanding the cycle you’re running is the single most important step you can take right now.
Which Marriage Program Is Right for Your Situation?
I’ve spent years reviewing the programs that claim to help marriages in crisis — and most of them aren’t worth your time or money. But three of them I’ve looked at closely, and I believe in them enough to recommend them here. Not because they’re perfect, but because they’re built for exactly the situation you’re in right now.
Here’s how I’d break it down:
| Save My Marriage Today | Save The Marriage System | Mend The Marriage | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Robert’s Rating | ⭐ 4.8/5 | ⭐ 4.7/5 | ⭐ 4.3/5 |
| Best For | Emergency damage control — stop the bleeding fast | One spouse trying alone — deep, therapeutic approach | Stopping divorce — direct, tactical action plan |
| Style | Immediate action steps, crisis-focused | Root-cause work, even if only you are trying | Structured, step-by-step, no-nonsense |
| Robert’s Take | “If your marriage is in the emergency room right now, this is the program I’d hand you first.” | “This is the one I’d recommend if you’re the only one willing to do the work — and it still works.” | “Brad Browning doesn’t sugarcoat it. If you need a clear plan and you need it now, this delivers.” |
| Read the Review | Read my full review → | Read my full review → | Read my full review → |
Not sure which one fits your situation? Start here — this page will help you figure out where you actually are and which direction makes the most sense.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the first signs a marriage is in trouble?
The earliest signs are usually subtle: a shift in the quality of silence, a reduction in small affectionate gestures, and a pattern of the same argument repeating without resolution. Most people notice the feeling before they can name the sign — a sense that something is off, even when nothing dramatic has happened.
Can a marriage be saved if only one person is trying?
Yes — and this is one of the most important things I want you to hear. One person changing their behaviour, their energy, and their approach can shift the entire dynamic of a marriage. It’s not guaranteed, but it’s far more powerful than most people realise. The Save The Marriage System is specifically designed for this situation.
What does emotional withdrawal look like in a marriage?
Emotional withdrawal looks like physical presence without emotional engagement. Your partner is there — but they’re not there. They stop sharing, stop asking, stop reacting. There’s a flatness where there used to be feeling. It’s one of the most painful signs to live with because it’s so hard to name or confront.
Is contempt in a marriage fixable?
Yes, but it requires honest work from both sides. Contempt is built from accumulated resentment — which means it was built over time and can be dismantled over time. The first step is identifying the unspoken resentments underneath it. Rebuilding trust after contempt is hard, but it’s one of the most transformative things a couple can do.
How do I know if my marriage is over or just going through a rough patch?
The honest answer is: if you’re still asking that question, it’s probably not over. People who have truly given up usually stop asking. The fact that you’re here, reading this, looking for answers — that’s not the behaviour of someone who’s done. This page will help you assess where you actually are.
What should I do first if I think my marriage is in trouble?
Stop pretending everything is fine. That’s the first step — and it’s harder than it sounds. Then, identify which of the 7 signs resonates most strongly with your situation right now. That’s your starting point. From there, understanding the cycle you’re running will give you more clarity than any quick fix.
Can marriage problems be fixed without couples therapy?
Yes — many couples turn their marriages around without ever seeing a therapist. Self-guided programs, honest self-reflection, and a willingness to change your own behaviour can be enormously effective. That said, if there is abuse, addiction, or serious mental health concerns involved, professional support is essential. Find professional support options here.
What is the biggest mistake people make when their marriage is in trouble?
Waiting. The second biggest mistake is trying to fix the other person instead of looking at yourself. Both of these are understandable — and both make things worse. The most powerful thing you can do right now is take one honest look inward and ask: what is my part in this?
